An open letter to meat-heads of the world.

Dear Meat-Head... sorry, Mr Muscle... sorry, errr... Excessive weights user,

I wondered if you could answer a few questions about why you do certain things?

1. Why do you look at me as if you are about to bite my head off? As far as I'm aware, I've done nothing wrong such as stare at your arse, or come on to your younger, better looking brother. Still, you scowl at everyone who hasn't obviously pumped their chest full of steroids. Is your bad attitude because you saw my nob in the showers last week and you're jealous, because even though you have a chest like a gorilla, you're nob is like a button mushroom? Smile you big lump!
   
2. Why do you make those stupid noises when you lift weights? I, admittedly, am not as 'pumped up' as you, but I can lift weights without sounding like I'm being penetrated by a melon. Also, that look on your face... I really haven't seen anything like that since the 1980's when my Grandad used to take his teeth out and frighten the kids at parties. Have some dignity and lift like a lady. We know they're heavy without you huffing and puffing like Vanessa Feltz dry humping a tree.
   
3. Why do you throw your weights on the floor, scaring everybody half to death? You managed to pick them up and do your 'repetitions' with some degree of control, so why throw them on the floor? Is it because you want people to see what you lifted? Aww... bless! You don't see me knocking the treadmill over when I've run 10km on it, or tipping the rower over and shouting 'Aaaaaggghhhh' when I've rowed 5km. Why can't you just put them on the floor or back on their rack like a gentleman?
   
4. Why do you spend every minute of every session pumping up your arms and chest when you have a big fat beer gut? You might sneer at me running like a demented rabbit on the treadmill, but at least I have a size 30 waist and I don't get out of breath opening my pork scratchings. (I don't eat pork scratchings by the way). I realise that you only hear of 'cardio' when you're slumped in front of the TV with your missus watching Holby City, but why not try it instead of looking at me like shit.
   
5. When you've finished with the weights, please put them back where they belong instead of leaving them for the next person to do it. Do you do this so they see how much you lifted? We know you have a button nob and the tackiest tattoos in Christendom but showing me how much you can lift is not going to make me like you.
   
6. Why do you walk around in circles flexing your arms and looking at yourself in the mirror? You obviously don't see what the rest of us are seeing; a sad, not very pretty, beer bellied, steroid pumped, button nob, angry exhibitionist. If you want something nice to look at, come and marvel at my collection of Stock Aitken & Waterman CD's. Fun, bouncy, dancy and not a steroid in sight!
   
7. Why do you hang around in pairs? Is it like a 'pack' mentality where you feel like you own the territory of the weights area? Well, you don't! If I want to come and lift my 60kg chest presses, I will, and it doesn't matter how much you snigger and whisper to each other. You can say what you want about my trembling arms as I lift my 60kg and girl like wrists but at least I don't have Betty Boo tattooed on my arse cheeks.
   
8. Some fashion advice. Don't wear those types of tracksuit bottom when you have a dick that is shorter than your pubic hair. It looks like you've got a lady bush instead of a proper man's package (you know, a decent set of bollocks like the rest of us who think you're all a load of idiots). And why the vests? Your guts hang out underneath them like something from 'The Blob'.
   
9. Finally, in the changing area, why do you always talk about fighting, or who's shagging who at work? We know you cried at Titanic and that you have to be out of the gym by 9.15am to catch Jeremy Kyle. Stop pretending you big moops!

Yours sincerely,
Colin.